Post by Elfina Ashfield on Jan 24, 2018 13:00:04 GMT -6
I originally wanted to post this in Pure Miriam's depression thread but I thought that maybe it's not a good idea to put my burden on someone who has already diagnosed with depression, and that thread is just so warm that I don't want to ruin it.
These are some heavy stuff (at least in my mind), please be aware.
I have no intent to disturb anyone, if it's improper to the forum, I'll just delete this post.
---
I was thinking about the subject on depression.
I'm not diagnosed with any mental health disorder, because I haven't seen a psychologist yet.
The reason I'm not going to doctor is my "symptom" is pretty subtle (if you can even call it "symptom"). I have a very close friend who is diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression, to be honest, comparing to what she's been through, my struggle is nothing.
I have several issues. The first thing is (I called it) the "nihilism", this is the major one IMO.
It's like all of the sudden, everything means nothing, even the inevitable end.
It feels like, I've done nothing. What I'm doing means nothing, what I want to do has no purpose.
Games don't intrigue me anymore, I don't want to read books or watch a movie, death feels like clicking "Shutdown my computer".
Life is painful and exhausting, but death has not much merit anyway, so I keep the status quo.
At the same time, the feelings are still there. I still feel angry, funny, jealousy, heart-warming, I still have sympathy. But all of them in the end equals to... emptiness?
I can recover from this somehow, until it happens again.
Second, I'm over-sensitive.
It's common knowledge that Asians are sensitive, but I'm over-sensitive.
There are two sides of it, one of them is that you have more sensibility at art (like literal and music, which I love), the other side is, you care too much about what people might think about you. The latter one is pure pain. For example, if I sent someone an email and need a reply, and there are no reply at all. I'd start check the mail that I sent again and again, wondering what should I do for remedy if I said something offensive.
How can a person be over-sensitive and sometimes nihilist also?
It's like being tearing apart.
Third, I can't control my emotion well, especially anxiety and stress.
Sometimes my emotions are roller-coasters. Last second I was feeling the rapture of getting something done, the next thing I feel is "that thing you just created sucks".
Anxiety is something I just can't overcome. Although I love singing and I do music cover, and I'm pretty confident about this hobby, the thought of getting on a stage and sing in front of many people will bump my heart rate up to 150. Even when I do a cover track at home, it has to be when my parents are out. Even there's a single indication that they're home, I'll put my mic away as fast as possible, like I was doing something shameful.
Stress is an other thing. Last year I was a intern at an IT company as a coder. One day there's a piece of code that I need to debug, but after some testing I can't find the bug, so I talked to my team leader to examine that code together. The whole project should be ready tomorrow, and this piece of code is just the first step. After many trial and error, we still made no progress. I can feel the nerve is growing during the test, and by noon, I finally snapped in front of my team leader. I started to panicking, smashing my keyboard heavily. Magically I somehow managed to keep myself from swearing out loud, but nonetheless, I totally broke down that day. My team leader was very nice to me though, saying "take it easy, take it easy, we still have time". In the afternoon the bug was fixed, but I'm still regretting my behavior.
All those issues don't affect me physiologically, my body is fine.
I really wish I could be diagnosed with some kind of disorder, at least that means I'm not fine, and that's okay, because we're human, we got ill easily.
If not, though, it means that I'm a person who has no control over himself, and that sucks, right?
Thank you for reading my rambling this far, I really don't know why I wrote so much though.
The fact that I would like to write about all of this might mean that I'm just a person that sucks at controlling myself.
These are some heavy stuff (at least in my mind), please be aware.
I have no intent to disturb anyone, if it's improper to the forum, I'll just delete this post.
---
I was thinking about the subject on depression.
I'm not diagnosed with any mental health disorder, because I haven't seen a psychologist yet.
The reason I'm not going to doctor is my "symptom" is pretty subtle (if you can even call it "symptom"). I have a very close friend who is diagnosed with anxiety disorder and depression, to be honest, comparing to what she's been through, my struggle is nothing.
I have several issues. The first thing is (I called it) the "nihilism", this is the major one IMO.
It's like all of the sudden, everything means nothing, even the inevitable end.
It feels like, I've done nothing. What I'm doing means nothing, what I want to do has no purpose.
Games don't intrigue me anymore, I don't want to read books or watch a movie, death feels like clicking "Shutdown my computer".
Life is painful and exhausting, but death has not much merit anyway, so I keep the status quo.
At the same time, the feelings are still there. I still feel angry, funny, jealousy, heart-warming, I still have sympathy. But all of them in the end equals to... emptiness?
I can recover from this somehow, until it happens again.
Second, I'm over-sensitive.
It's common knowledge that Asians are sensitive, but I'm over-sensitive.
There are two sides of it, one of them is that you have more sensibility at art (like literal and music, which I love), the other side is, you care too much about what people might think about you. The latter one is pure pain. For example, if I sent someone an email and need a reply, and there are no reply at all. I'd start check the mail that I sent again and again, wondering what should I do for remedy if I said something offensive.
How can a person be over-sensitive and sometimes nihilist also?
It's like being tearing apart.
Third, I can't control my emotion well, especially anxiety and stress.
Sometimes my emotions are roller-coasters. Last second I was feeling the rapture of getting something done, the next thing I feel is "that thing you just created sucks".
Anxiety is something I just can't overcome. Although I love singing and I do music cover, and I'm pretty confident about this hobby, the thought of getting on a stage and sing in front of many people will bump my heart rate up to 150. Even when I do a cover track at home, it has to be when my parents are out. Even there's a single indication that they're home, I'll put my mic away as fast as possible, like I was doing something shameful.
Stress is an other thing. Last year I was a intern at an IT company as a coder. One day there's a piece of code that I need to debug, but after some testing I can't find the bug, so I talked to my team leader to examine that code together. The whole project should be ready tomorrow, and this piece of code is just the first step. After many trial and error, we still made no progress. I can feel the nerve is growing during the test, and by noon, I finally snapped in front of my team leader. I started to panicking, smashing my keyboard heavily. Magically I somehow managed to keep myself from swearing out loud, but nonetheless, I totally broke down that day. My team leader was very nice to me though, saying "take it easy, take it easy, we still have time". In the afternoon the bug was fixed, but I'm still regretting my behavior.
All those issues don't affect me physiologically, my body is fine.
I really wish I could be diagnosed with some kind of disorder, at least that means I'm not fine, and that's okay, because we're human, we got ill easily.
If not, though, it means that I'm a person who has no control over himself, and that sucks, right?
Thank you for reading my rambling this far, I really don't know why I wrote so much though.
The fact that I would like to write about all of this might mean that I'm just a person that sucks at controlling myself.
yey